We’re Through the Bats

written by Deborah Oakley

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I started writing on 11 June, but I didn’t know enough about what was happening to make it a full blog post.  Here’s what I wrote:

God’s been talking to me for the past week or so.  At least, I think it’s Him.  I used to … what do I call it?  Hear Him?  Not exactly right.  I don’t actually hear a voice.  Be aware of Him?  That’s not a complete description.  It’s more than just an awareness of His existence.  It’s like there are thoughts that come to mind, and there’s a particular kind of … resonance, I guess.  It’s the closest word I can think of.  A Something that happens that doesn’t occur when I’m simply thinking to myself.  Something that makes my inner self perk up.  “Wait.  I don’t think that’s me.”  When it happens, I usually get the same message from more than one source.

It’s like … a Something crosses my mind, and then I’ll notice the same idea is playing in the lyrics to a song I’m listening to at the moment, and right around that time an email will ding on my phone, and the topic is about the same thing my head and the song are talking about.  Or maybe the email won’t come, but someone will bring up the topic in a conversation with me, when I haven’t said anything to them about what’s going on internally.

It’s complicated.  Let’s just go with “hear Him.”

I thought perhaps God was telling me it was about time for things to change.  It was a message I DESPERATELY wanted to hear.  So desperately that I didn’t trust what I was thinking.  Was it Him, or was it my own wishful thinking?  I guess, deep down, I was afraid to hope because, if I was wrong, I didn’t think I could handle the disappointment.

I’d gone to a job fair that day.  Wait.  Back up.  Three weeks prior to the job fair, I got an email notice about it.  I’d been to multiple job fairs, put on by the same group, and even in the same location as this one.  Nothing ever came of them.  I almost ignored this one.  After all, why waste a day off, plus the time, gas, and effort to go, just to get rejected again?  But then I re-thought it, requested the day off, and signed up.  Looking back, that wasn’t the whim I thought it was.  It was Him, whispering so subtly and quietly to me I wasn’t even aware He was talking.

As I drove to the fair, an incredible peace and certainty washed over me.  I KNEW I was supposed to be going.  I hoped that meant it was time for a job change (I was SO miserable where I was), but I tried not to let my expectations get set in that vein.  After all, it could have meant just about anything.  Maybe He just wanted me to keep listening and obeying.  Maybe He wanted me to have a conversation with someone who would be there.  At any rate, He made me cry.  It had been so long since I’d felt His presence like that.  Like my first taste of water after being in the desert.  He didn’t make me full-out bawl, which was considerate of Him.  That would have messed up my makeup.

When I got there, it was very different from all the other fairs I’d attended.  At previous fairs, there were people everywhere, and all I’d gotten was, “You can apply online.”  A polite way of saying, “We’re not really interested, but we don’t want to say so.  That would be rude.”  This time was different.  There were only about 6 companies there, and very few people.  Each of the companies was actually interested in talking to me, and they all wanted a copy of my resume.

Ten days later, one of the companies called me for a phone interview.  The following week they asked me to make a trip to San Angelo for an in-person interview.  The interview was on 2 July, they made me an offer on 3 July, and I started work 16 July.

It really WAS Him talking.  I can’t tell you what a relief that was!  Not only because I was being let out of the bowels of retail hell, but because I was hearing Him again.  I’d missed Him.  I know He says He’ll never leave us.  Knowing that in your head isn’t the same as feeling Him in your daily walk.  Sometimes you feel separated from Him because you’ve moved away from Him.  But sometimes He makes it so for a season.  Why?  I can’t say I know for certain, but it seems to me it’s something along the lines of Him telling Abraham to sacrifice Isaac.  Sometimes your faith and stick-to-it-ness need to be put to the test.

And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.  (Romans 5:3-5)

Although the external process of interviewing and starting work ended up being very smooth and simple, the internal part of it wasn’t smooth at all.

I have to back up to 2005 again.  During that year I had several … I’m not sure what to call them.  I’d get this feeling I needed to be quiet and listen, so I’d lie back on my bed, close my eyes, and quiet my mind.  Then I’d have a … dream?  Not exactly.  I wasn’t asleep.  Vision?  Maybe.  My eyes were closed.

I know a man in Christ who fourteen years ago—whether in the body I do not know, or out of the body I do not know, God knows—such a man was caught up to the third heaven. And I know how such a man—whether in the body or apart from the body I do not know, God knows— (2 Corinthians 12:2-3)

Yeah, Paul.  I know what you mean.  Paul called his experiences visions.  Guess I’ll go with that.  (I have no idea where the third heaven is.  I doubt I was there.)  Anyway, I’d be shown stuff.  They were incredibly clear, detailed visions.  In them, I was always … I guess I’ll say flying.  I was always moving through the air, but I wasn’t directing my flight.  At the time I got the visions, I didn’t know what they were referring to but, as the years progressed, I’d be in certain circumstances that would explain one of them.  For example, here’s one:

Things Aren’t Always What They Seem

I was flying along and came upon a house that had a bunch of rags piled on the front porch.  It looked a mess.  As I got close enough to actually see the piles, I realized they weren’t rags at all.  They were pieces of material someone had cut out according to a pattern and sorted into stacks so they could assemble them.  The pattern pieces just hadn’t yet been sewn together into whatever that person was making.  What looked like rags in the distance were actually a creative work-in-progress.

We moved on (me and whoever was directing my flight) and came to another house that had decorations hanging on the front porch.  From the distance, they looked tattered and battered, as if they’d been hung long ago and left to deteriorate.  When we got closer, though, I could see they were decorations that had been made from yarn.  The “tattered” I’d seen from a distance was actually bits of yarn fluttering as part of a deliberate design.  They weren’t unkempt at all.  They were exactly as they’d been designed to be.

Moving on, we came to a fierce-looking man and a young boy.  The man had a large pole in his hand, and the boy was hanging off the end of it, yelling his head off.  It looked like the man had skewered the poor child with his pole, and the kid was screaming to get away.  When we got closer, I could see the pole wasn’t a skewer at all.  It had a hook on the end of it, and the hook was looped through the straps of a backpack the boy was wearing.  The boy was yelling because he was mad, not hurt.  The boy had run off and been doing something he wasn’t supposed to be doing.  The man was his father and had the kid in hand for some much-needed discipline.

I believe there were a couple of other examples I saw, but these are the ones I particularly remember.  Each instance I saw in this vision was of something that looked bad/destructive from a distance but, when I got closer, were all instances of good and right things that were happening.

I’ve tried to keep this vision in mind over the years, especially when things looked bleak and it seemed as if I was sinking ever-deeper into oblivion and destined for despair.

Psalm 42

For the director of music. A maskil of the Sons of Korah.

¹ As the deer pants for streams of water,
    so my soul pants for you, my God.
² My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
    When can I go and meet with God?
³ My tears have been my food
    day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
    “Where is your God?”
⁴ These things I remember
    as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God
    under the protection of the Mighty One^[d]
with shouts of joy and praise
    among the festive throng.

⁵ Why, my soul, are you downcast?
    Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
    for I will yet praise him,
    my Savior and my God.

⁶ My soul is downcast within me;
    therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
    the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.
⁷ Deep calls to deep
    in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
    have swept over me.

⁸ By day the Lord directs his love,
    at night his song is with me—
    a prayer to the God of my life.

⁹ I say to God my Rock,
    “Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
    oppressed by the enemy?”
¹⁰ My bones suffer mortal agony
    as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
    “Where is your God?”

¹¹ Why, my soul, are you downcast?
    Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
    for I will yet praise him,
    my Savior and my God.

“Self, don’t let what you see right now fool you.  God said things aren’t always what they seem.”

The Dungeon

We were outside in the sunshine, moving along.  I was being carried in a big hand.  I couldn’t see it, but I knew without doubt it was there, and that it was His.

The hand carried me down into a dank, dark, depressing dungeon.  We flew along, just inches from touching the floor.  There were people living down there, and it was terrible to think of living in such a place.  As we flew along, a voice continually whispered in my ear.  It told me this was really my place.  I wasn’t going to live in the sunshine any longer.  That had been just a dream, and this place was my reality.  Over and over it tried to convince me the dungeon was my home; I was imagining the hand that held me.  I knew it was trying to convince me to step out of the hand that carried me.  I also knew that, if I moved from that hand and touched the floor, I really would be trapped there.  I knew the voice was lying to me, and I knew I was safe.  In the vision, my confidence never waivered.

Finally, after a long tour of the dungeon, the hand began carrying me upward, back toward the sunlight.  Just before we exited the dungeon, we flew through a colony of bats.  Eww!  They didn’t touch me, but still … Bats are nasty.  Finally we broke through into the sunlight and started flying over the trees.

That dungeon is where I’ve been the past 2 years, and that same lying voice whispered those same lies to me while I was there.  In the vision, I never lost my confidence.  In real life?  Not so much.  I couldn’t feel or hear the One whose hand held me, and I often wondered if He was really leading me, or if I was delusional and was really trapped there.  It was agony.

I decided I’d made a vow to Him, and I was either going to hang on to see the reality of it, or I was going to waste the rest of my life waiting on my delusion, because I couldn’t face a reality with a God who was so cold and impersonal and cared so little He’d leave me in that delusion for so many years.  I didn’t make that choice just once.  I found myself rethinking it and re-choosing it many times.  So no, I’m no spiritual giant.  For a while I thought He’d dumped me, and I hung on out of pure desperation and stubbornness, because letting that belief become my reality was too horrible to face.

The day finally came when I knew we were heading out of the dungeon.  That thought was really exciting for a moment, until I remembered, ‘Oh crap!  Now it’s the bats!  What’s THAT gonna be like?!?’

They were there, but they didn’t last long, and they weren’t so bad.  They came in the form of worries and annoyances the last few days before I officially moved out of my old season and into my new one.

I received the job offer at close of business on 3 July.  I knew, from my interview, the company was going to be closed for a 4-day weekend for the 4^th.  Well, the pay they offered was actually a little less per hour than I was already making.  I couldn’t afford an apartment in New Braunfels at that salary, so I wasn’t sure I could survive on it in San Angelo.  I tried to call HR at the new company to ask questions, but they were already gone for the weekend.  I did some web searches and crunched the numbers as best I could, given what I knew, and it didn’t seem like it would be enough.  If I waited until they were back in the office the following week, I would have only been able to give my current job a couple days notice I was leaving, and that just didn’t seem right.  The worries and concerns and not knowing flittered and fluttered and squeaked around me.

I finally decided that I was sure God had been telling me this was His doing, so I’d set aside my worries about the things I didn’t know and trust Him.  I accepted the job, gave my old job notice the next day, and started trying to find a place to live via the internet.  (Hah!  Just realized I gave notice to The Dungeon on the 4^th of July.  Independence Day made personal!)

Bats.  I wasn’t certain I was making the right decision.  “God, am I obeying You, or am I being irresponsible in my desperation to get out of my current situation?”

Bats.  Looking for an apartment I wasn’t sure I could afford in a town I’d only briefly been in once. 

My brother suggested I look for a church home.  “Get your spiritual home settled, and the rest will be taken care of.”  Brilliant man!  I did a web search, found a good candidate, called them, explained my situation, and said I’d be there the following Sunday.

As I perused their website, I saw they had video archives of sermons.  I clicked on one so I could check them out and see if they’re a true, Bible-believing, Bible-preaching church.  The sermon I “randomly” picked started with the pastor saying, “We’ve been in a series in Titus, but I felt led this morning to change that.”  He started his sermon:

“How many of you know that nothing can stand in the way of Jesus?  I think if the Church really believed that, we would be more bold.  I think if Christians really believed that, we would claim the name of Jesus and go out faithfully, and forcefully, in love, to do God’s work.  Sometimes in life, … things don’t go as we planned it to go …  You don’t know where you’re going …”  He read the following passage:

Now when Jesus saw a crowd around Him, He gave orders to depart to the other side of the sea. Then a scribe came and said to Him, “Teacher, I will follow You wherever You go.” Jesus *said to him, “The foxes have holes and the birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay His head.”  (Matthew 8:18-20)

He continued on with the passage.  He preached about the Power of Jesus and the necessity of His Church to follow Him.  He said, “Are you following Jesus, even when it’s not easy? … We should be willing to charge Hell with a water pistol …  It’s one thing to say that, but it’s another to go about it … Even if you have nothing, would you still follow Jesus?”

Okey dokey.  I hear You.  Ignoring the bats.  There were other, niggling things but, after Pastor Greg confirmed I was doing what I was supposed to be doing, they were easier to ignore.

The church is great; I found my church home.  My heart has always been in missions, and the district missions president is a member here.  She recruited me to work in missions within the first hour I’d been at the church.  Less than an hour, and I had a place in this church!  Nancy (Missions President), Martha (the Family Pastor – I originally spoke with her when I called), and Greg (Senior Pastor), I love you!  You made me feel right at home immediately!

The people at church gave me a list of apartments to check out, so I started calling on Monday.  The top 2 places on my list didn’t answer their phones, and they didn’t call back when I left messages.  The 3^rd place answered the phone, and they were in my price range.  I explained I had to work Thursday, and I intended to pack up my car and head to San Angelo on Friday.  I needed a place to unload my stuff, so I was hoping to get into an apartment that Friday.  She wouldn’t agree to me applying over the phone.  “No, you have to do that in person.”  But, she said she was pretty sure they’d be able to get me in that same day.

I was concerned.  Bats.  These were a little harder to ignore.  I didn’t know for sure I’d have a place to move in to once I got to San Angelo.  What I didn’t know was God had already lined things up for me.  I met Karen, the apartment owner, when I got here.  Her son, Nathan, is the apartment manager.  Nathan told me, “This is pretty unusual.  We never move anyone in in less than 24 hours.”  They’re very careful about who they rent to, and Nathan takes that time to call previous landlords and bosses to get a feel for the person who’s applying.  Karen said, “When I talked to you on Monday, I just felt in my spirit you were okay, and I needed to rent to you.  So, we held the apartment.  It’s our last one available.”  Karen and Russ, her husband, are wonderful Christian people.  Karen said, “We gave this place to God years ago.  He’s been running it ever since.”  I rolled into town at 11:35 that morning and deposited the first load from my car into my apartment at 1:11.  I told Nathan, “An hour and a half.  That has to be some kind of record.”  He replied, “It is for us!”  I sure am glad those other places didn’t answer.

God smoothed the way for so many things!  I needed a couch and a bed.  I finally went out Monday to shop for them.  The local Christian thrift store sold me a couch, and even delivered it that same day.  One of the guys who delivered the couch asked if he could pray for me.  “Oh, yes!  I’ve been wanting to dedicate my home to God, but haven’t had another believer here to agree with me and be my witness.  I’d love to!”  So we did.  I went to Mattress Firm to find a bed.  They had a sale, so I was able to find something in my price range.  And, the store manager even delivered it that evening.  I arrived in town on Friday and, by the time I started work on Tuesday, I was completely moved in and unpacked, and I’d had comfortable furniture to sit on and sleep on so I was refreshed, ready, and completely free of any more bats to distract me.

Added bonus:  remember, I had no idea where this apartment was when I made an appointment and planned to move in.  The distance from my place to:

• Work – 1 mile
• Church – 2 miles
• HEB and Walmart – 1 mile

Gas isn’t going to be one of my big budget items.

My job is awesome, too.  I’ll tell you more next time.

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