I Have a Dream

written by Deborah Oakley

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God’s been weaving a dream into my heart and mind (and probably even my DNA) for a number of years now.  Or maybe it was always there, and it’s taken me this long to notice.  I’m not sure.  It’s not a simple thing to explain.  He told me, “I’m going to do a new thing with you.”  I didn’t interpret that as new to the world (although anything’s possible with Him), but certainly new to me.  It started with a sense of dissatisfaction with the direction my life had taken, and has grown over the years to what it is now:  an overwhelming longing and passion that motivates everything I choose to do and be.  Problem is, I still don’t know how to get there from here.  To be honest, I’m still not even sure where it is we’re going.  I can only navigate to the things I know.  He’s the one who can take me into the unknown.  And that He’s certainly done.  I’ve ended up in all sorts of “this never would have occurred to me” places.  (Current website being a most excellent example!)  Good thing He’s doing the driving and I’m not, eh?  Although it would be nice if He’d give me a peek at the map on occasion.

Since this whole thing is so hard to explain, I’m instead going to tell you of my journey and, as we retrace my steps, I hope you’ll get a feel for what He’s calling me to.  I will tell you of the seed of the dream He planted in me, and I’ll let you watch it grow as He developed it.  This isn’t just my story, though.  To some degree, I’ll bet you can relate to a lot of what I’ve experienced.  The times, places, and stages were probably different for you, but the internal stuff … well, there’s a lot there that’s common to all of us.

This journey began … well, God probably had the whole thing written down before Time began.  But that’s a bit much for one blog, so we’ll start in 2000.  The beginning of the New Millennium and, although I didn’t know it at the time, the beginning of a new Me.  Or perhaps the restoration of Me to who He originally created me to be.

In 2000, I’d reached the goals I’d set for myself.  I’d finished college, had a high-paying software job in an upwardly-mobile position, was married to an equally well-paid, upwardly-mobile man.  We owned a nice house, nice cars, a sailboat, took nice vacations, and had money to spend.  To anyone on the outside, we appeared to have it all.  And, for a short while, I thought that as well.  Sure, there were stressors, but I was sure that, if I just tried a little harder and did a little more, I would eventually conquer those issues, and I’d be living the good life.

Time went by, and I kept trying.  The job always wanted more.  The lifestyle always wanted more.  My husband was under the same pressures, and his defense reaction was to also demand more.  So I tried harder, and the more I did, the higher the stress, and still the demand increased. That’s the problem with a life of consumption.  There’s never enough.  You’re never satisfied.  The people around you are never satisfied.  Just more, more, more.  Our “American Dream” life was a nightmare, and the pressures of maintaining its existence ate away at my life, my marriage, and my peace.

By 2003, I was in deep depression and could barely manage to make myself get out of bed each morning.  I started EVERY day by throwing up because my nerves were so shot at the prospect of facing yet another day of demands I couldn’t possibly manage to satisfy, both at my job and at home.

As I talked to God about what to do and how to fix the life that had gone so terribly wrong, He began to convict me about the focus and purpose of my life.  Up to that point, I’d worked toward a successful career, nice things, and the financial freedom to do as I pleased.  I slowly became aware of how hedonistic my focus was, and I began asking myself, “Whose life has been made better because of the things I’ve done today?”  The only answer I could give was that I was spending my time and energy putting more dimes in rich men’s pockets and nickels in my own, and such a focus was a waste of my existence.  (I’m not saying everyone who has a good career is wasting their talents.  I’m talking about what God was telling ME about MY focus, energies, and purpose.)  I wanted more, but now I was looking for a different kind of more.  This was a more of quality, not quantity.

When I prayed for help, I mistakenly thought of God as a fairy godmother. He’d simply wave his magic wand and make everything all better.

I desperately wanted out of the rat race.  Problem was, I was trapped.  Trapped by the bills we’d acquired, which required the large salaries we made.  Trapped by the expectations of my job and my husband (who was determined to keep chasing that brass ring).  I was trapped in the world I lived in and the futility of my own thinking about what was and wasn’t important and necessary.  I begged God to do for me what I didn’t know how to do for myself:  Set me FREE!

Careful what you pray for. You probably need the answer, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re prepared to receive it. God has a tendency to do things His way, and ignore the script you prepared. He uses the image of a refiner’s fire for a good reason.

I’m reading a book right now: Finding The Afikoman: Encountering Jesus in the Spring Feasts by Christie Eisner.  She says that, when it was time for God to bring the Hebrews out of Egypt, He had a problem.  They’d been slaves in Egypt for so long, their bondage was their normal, and they had lost the desire for freedom.  He was willing to come down and free them when they cried out, but first He had to get them to cry out.  They had to lose their tolerance of being slaves so they’d cry out to Him to save them.  That’s SO what He did to me!  He didn’t make my life miserable.  He opened my eyes to the misery and futility that had been there all along.  He got me to cry out.

What about you?  I’d like to hear your thoughts and/or experiences.  What’s your Egypt?  Are you still there, are you on your way out?  Is Egypt now just a memory to you, or is it still your normal?  You can comment below.  You’re also welcome to contact me.

If you’re interested in reading about others’ journeys, check out Bob’s Journey.

Click here if you’d like to see Deborah’s bio.

Next Series Post:  In the Beginning