Checking In

written by Deborah Oakley

First Series Post:  I Have a Dream
Previous Series Post:  We’re Through the Bats

I ended my last post with “My job is awesome, too.  I’ll tell you more next time,” and then I went dark for more than 2 years.  Why?  I couldn’t think of anything to say.  I don’t know that I have anything in particular to say today, either, but I feel like I’m supposed to say something.  So, here’s what’s on my mind …

Nothing has been as I expected it.  I don’t know why that continues to surprise me.  I told you in my first post that I learned long ago Happily Ever After doesn’t happen on this side of the grass, and yet I continue to be disappointed and disillusioned when it doesn’t happen yet again.  I suppose I could get mad at myself.  Or life.  Or God.  Or maybe I could give up and decide God didn’t call me after all and I’m on my own.  I don’t see much good coming out of those options.  I think instead I’ll just laugh at myself and continue on.

Things were really exciting when I started my new job.  The guy who’d started the company 30 years before was a Christian, and you could see the Holy Spirit embedded in the way the company ran.  They didn’t have Bible verses on the walls, but they DID have the following line in the company manual:  “Always do what’s right.  Do everything with a servant’s heart.”  They preached it, management practiced it, and you saw it in everything they did.

Then, not long after I started, we were told an equity company had “invested” in us to help us “get to the next level.”  They promised they weren’t going to change us, but instead help us with the capital we needed to move forward.  This ain’t my first rodeo, so I knew that was bunk.  I figured we had 3-5 decent years left before all that was special had been ruined.  Then COVID hit, the world was turned upside down, and they had the opportunity to do in months what would normally have taken years.  Now it’s only 2 years later and none of the original senior management is there anymore.  Manuals have been rewritten, policies changed, we’ve been re-branded, and it’s a completely different company from what it was.  I can’t point to a particular thing that’s wrong, but they took Jesus out of the DNA of the company, which changes focus, perspective, and priorities, and that changes EVERYTHING. 

I’m not surprised at the change.  Of course it would happen.  I’m just surprised at its rapidity.  I’m aware that what I see in my employer now isn’t unusual; what I saw before was the rare thing.  From a theoretical viewpoint, seeing such a drastic difference in such a short amount of time is really quite a privilege.  It isn’t often we get to witness cause and effect of two different worldviews side-by-side like that.  Theoretically, I’m grateful for the wisdom; however, experientially, I can’t help but grieve the loss of something that was so rare and special.  Now it’s just another job.

So, what has God been doing with me the past couple of years?  Probably something, but I don’t know what.

I just finished reading over my previous posts.  Actionable intel:  it’s a good idea to document the God-things in your life.  The enemy’s always trying to discourage/disillusion you and get you to set aside your allegiance to and faith in the King of Kings and His plan for your life.  You never know when your testimony will be needed to witness to your future self.

When I arrived in San Angelo 2 years ago, I heard God say, “Welcome home.”  I was excited then but, as time has progressed, I’ve wondered about that.  I like this town just fine, but I’m here alone:  my family lives 3 hours away, I have no close friends here, the longest relationships I have here are only 2 years old.  My job pays the bills but isn’t fulfilling in the slightest.  I do feel as if I have a part to play in my church (I feel that’s the crux of the “home” thing), but I’m not sure what that is.  I try to be involved as I can, but nothing here has captured my heart or my interest.  It feels like I’m just going through the motions.  And yet, whenever I attempt to find a new job or something to change my circumstance, it seems all doors are shut and He’s saying, “No.  Stay where you are.”  I don’t know for certain if it’s really Him speaking or if it’s just me avoiding the effort of starting over yet again.  I THINK it’s Him.  I have to go with that.  If I changed my path now, it wouldn’t be out of obedience.  I’d just be changing because things aren’t happening the way I expected.  When all’s said and done, I don’t want to be disobedient, so I’ll continue to wait until I’m sure He’s said differently.

Years ago I heard a sermon in which the pastor made the following observation:

Matthew 11:2-6  Meanwhile John heard in prison about the works of Christ, and he sent his disciples ³ to ask Him, “Are You the One who was to come, or should we look for someone else?”  ⁴ Jesus replied, “Go back and report to John what you hear and see: ⁵ The blind receive sight, the lame walk, the lepers are cleansed, the deaf hear, the dead are raised, and the good news is preached to the poor. ⁶ Blessed is the one who does not fall away on account of Me.”

John the Baptist was in prison.  He’d devoted his life to paving the way for the new King.  He’d been there when Jesus was baptized.  He’d been sure.  But here he was in prison.  I think we can safely assume things hadn’t gone the way John had expected.  He was looking for reassurance.  Jesus’ answer wasn’t, “Yep, it’s Me.”  Instead, Jesus told John, “Look at what was promised.  Remember what you’ve seen.  Your answer is there.”

So, that’s what I’ve tried to do.  Remember what was promised.  Remember what I’ve experienced in the past years.  Hold on.  Why do I think an unfulfilling job shouldn’t be what I am to expect?  If you’ll recall, during an earlier post I told you He gave me Isaiah 55 back when this all started.  That’s what makes me look for something different.

Isaiah 55 

2 “Why do you spend money for what is not bread,
And your wages for what does not satisfy?
Listen carefully to Me, and eat what is good,
And delight yourself in abundance.

12 “For you will go out with joy
And be led forth with peace;
The mountains and the hills will break forth into shouts of joy before you,
And all the trees of the field will clap their hands.
13 “Instead of the thorn bush the cypress will come up,
And instead of the nettle the myrtle will come up,
And it will be a memorial to the Lord,
For an everlasting sign which will not be cut off.”

Maybe I have it all wrong.  But maybe not.  So I’ll keep hoping and waiting and trying to be obedient.

One new thing HAS happened.  I applied for a local license with my church.  Why?  I believe He said to.  My pastor and I discussed it and prayed and he believes so, too.  I don’t feel as if I’m called to pastor a church, but I do know He’s called me to something.  (I wonder if I’ll ever learn what that is in this life, or if I have to wait until the next life to understand what He was up to.)